You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
