the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
