i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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