omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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