I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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