I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
