mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
