My cat gives me a boner
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Im part way to drunk.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
