I hate all girls vehemently.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
