Moan for me like Helen Keller
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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