He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
