The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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