my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
