dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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