Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
