It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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