i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
