You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
