somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like death gave me a hand job
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
