how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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