be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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