So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
