Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
