I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
