you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
