I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
