I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
stop calling my apartment porn island.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
