You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
