Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
