Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
