Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
