Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
