when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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