Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Omg I joined a choir last night...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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