she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
