My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
