My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
