You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
