I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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