I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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