Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
