I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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