Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
