The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
