If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
