She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
