our cab driver is having phone sex.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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