I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
When are your genitals available?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
