Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
