Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
